No Closure

 So much anger build up

Never got to let it all out 

So many unanswered questions 

I want to scream 

I want to yell

I want to throw things across the room 

I want to punch or smack something 

I hate this feeling 

It feels like I didn’t get to have the reaction I want to 

Like I know there was more that could have been said 

But what was said “I understand”

Not answering the questions 

 I’m so fucking angry 

I want to scream so loud but don’t know who will hear me

Head spinning 

Can’t stop analyzing 

So many thoughts in my head 

I just want to know why 

So much frustration build up every time I think about it 

Makes me sick did you even care 

I keep pushing past it but it always seems to come up 

So I go on living my life as if you didn’t exist 

Because I don’t think I’ll every get that closure

 

Breastfeeding Journey

 Breastfeeding journey 

Lots of ups and downs 

Trying to get it right 

Wanting to give up 

But never did 

Kept going 

Late night feedings 

To early morning wake ups 

The journey was definitely a joyful experience 

I got to feed not one but two children of my own

Having that bond is the best feeling ever

16 months I  nursed my first 

2 and half years I nursed my second 

It was bitter sweet when it all ended

My last baby 

My last time nursing 

It was a journey I’ll never forget 

It was my breastfeeding journey 

A million things to do

 A million things go through my mind 

Every minute 

Everyday 

Did I do that 

Is that enough 

Did I do good job

Am I a good wife and mom

Can I do more 

How can I help 

What is wrong

Need to do this 

But need to do that first 

Need to go there but should I bother 

Why can’t I do this 

The list goes on 

Intimate Love Forever

Lips touch 

Hands move slowly down the body  

Light kisses everywhere 

Hair pulling 

Sweat dripping down

The heat is on 

He sees you

And gives you that look of seduction 

Forever in the moment 

Forever in an intimate love  

My baby you’ll always be

Baby girl

Who I love so much 

Beautiful blue eyes
Bright smile 

You make me laugh
You make me cry
But most of all you make me proud
Proud I’m who you call mom
Each day I see you grow
Always changing and learning more
Oh my baby girl you will always be

Pregnancy

Took a test
One line ....two lines
What to do
What to think
Can I do this
Am I ready
So many things run through your mind
Scared
Afraid
Confusing
Denial
Acceptance
That's everything wrapped into one
But once you feel those first few flutters
Its all feels so real

You go 9 months
Sickness
Little pains here and there
But all worth it in the end
When you see those beautiful eyes for the first time

Adoption

The biological mother's side
Emotional roller coaster
Draining
Decisions
Is it the right thing to do
Could I give this child up
What if I want it back
Years later
Contact happens 

The child is grown
Will she want to see me

The child's points

Had many years to try after I was of age

Why now 

What would happen if I reached out

What about my parents 

Why is this person trying to contact me 

So many questions 

Left unanswered 

But I guess that's just life 

You just have to live it day by day 

And figure it out 

The life of adoption